Is it possible that, once again, I am right back where I started? Of course it is. Making changes takes… well changing. And I haven’t yet. At least not in a positive way. But I’m still trying.
This year has brought a lot of realizations for me. First, my handsome son, a state track placer and scholarship recipient, will be graduating in 9 days! Im still trying to let that soak in. It still doesn’t seem real. And before I know it, he’ll be gone to college! And my daughter will be starting her senior year. Unlike my son, she no longer needs my help. She’s chosen a path and will graduate as a certified welder, and her teachers say she is absolutely amazing! She has no problems managing money, she is confident and strong. Truly, she is already raised. And she isn’t even quite 17 yet.
So here I sit, feeling like my whole life is leaving me and trying to make plans for the future… only the things I want, and the things I am reasonably able to do are not the same. Things like amusement parks, hiking trips, backpacking, kayaking, scuba diving, traveling by plane, ziplining, horseback riding. I want to travel out of the county, but who wants to be seen as the obese American? And I’d like to LIKE what I see in the mirror. I’d like to meet someone to share my adventures with. I’d like to be stronger, and happier, and just feel like my life isn’t completely out of control.
Those are all the things I’ll need to remind myself of as I start AGAIN… WHY I am doing this. And what are my milestones. When can life truly begin again.
Now I know some of you may be saying, ‘you don’t have to wait for life to begin’. But I beg to differ, and here is why. One of my biggest challenges in my journey is avoiding distraction. It’s staying on plan, and that is REALLY hard to do when I can’t plan in advance,or don’t have the energy to prepare myself for success (by preparing foods in advance, having the house clean, laundry done, etc. ) All of these things are VITAL for me, and to be quite honest, I’m currently lucky to do ONE of those things each WEEK. My endurance is terrible, my pain in unbearable, and I my mental clarity is sorely lacking… something that I know from experience is a direct result of eating processed foods and grains. For me, those things are equally as addicting as crack and heroin.
So now it’s time to figure out how to do this without getting overwhelmed and giving in. The only way I’m going to do that is by taking it one step at a time. One new habit at a time. A lot of personal reflection. And plenty of forgiveness for my shortcomings.
I began the first step yesterday by cutting out grains. This one is huge for me. When I eat grains my joints become inflamed and painful, my mind becomes muddy, I have chronic severe headaches, and the pressure in my brain begins to worsen. (Literally. I have a condition called pseudotumor cerebri, or Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension) When I cut wheat in particular, not only do my symptoms improve, but i quickly begin to drop water weight at a rapid pace. I will hold myself to just this step until May 20th. And May 21st I will add a new habit. And will add a new one when the last has become manageable, until my life is back in control. I won’t worry about my next step for now. Today it’s simply no grains. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.