Wow! Has it really been 7 weeks since I’ve posted? Hold on…. (mumbled, mumble… 5,6,7) Well, yes, I guess it has. And it’s been a very busy 7 weeks!
As with any new routines, my diet as well as my blogging frequency could use a little fine tuning! But in my silence, I have continued chugging along. I’ve had fantastically successful days, and I’ve had a couple of weeks full of distractions that setbacks. But as with any LIFESTYLE, one day, one week, one month, doesn’t DEFINE my success or failure. I do! And I’ still here, making changes one day at a time, one meal at a time, one decision at a time.
Since last posting, my life has been a blur of doctors appointments, work, photography, and the push to get my life in order. For the last few years, even the most basic of daily chores have gone neglected. The fatigue had become debilitating. The stress of feeling inadequate at work AND at home weren’t helping. It would be fair to say that most days depression was a constant companion, even if it was fairly well hidden. Unlike the depression I’d experienced in my younger years, this was less a self deprecating depression. Instead it was the realization that who I was in my mind (the loving, giving, mothering, intelligent, passionate woman) was being swallowed by a physical body that was slowly strangling me, and with so many attempts to rein in all in, so many failures, so many unfulfilled desires, I knew my life was passing me by. It was like watching time pass from afar with no access to join in. At age 40, I’d finally learned to love myself. ALL of myself. I’d learned to enjoy being alone, following my passions. But my body was holding me back. And the harder I tried to fix it, the harder it became. Not mentally, but physically. I had begun to believe that I it was too late, and at times was nearly certain death was not far off.
I can’t even begin to describe the fear, regret, and sorrow that came with that realization. The anger followed. I was mourning my death before I was even dead. Who does that?
In July of last year, I went to the eye doctor, and he discovered that I had signs of intercranial hypertension. I researched the conditions and discovered that it was most likely weight related and best treated by losing weight. If I failed to do that, I was looking at becoming blind.
In August I finally went to the doctor for a little medical supervision when I decided to give the paleo lifestyle another try. Before going to the doctor, I made a list of every single symptom I experienced, no matter how small. The final list was an entire sheet of paper, 3 columns of symptoms divided by body system. Seeing that all written down at once, it became very clear that if I wanted to live much longer, I had to make immediate changes.
The doctor agreed. Labs were drawn, and the healing process began.
When I posted last, I told you that my doctor was referring me to an OB/GYN. This past wednesday, while a tornado bore down on the hospital, an amazing surgical team managed to remove a very unhealthy uterus, and I am now home healing, and feeling far more hopeful than I have in many, many years. The debilitating anemia that I’ve been experiencing is on its way to being a thing of the past!
I also went to the Bariatric Center and met with an amazing doctor. I was very excited about the prospect of taking large leaps forward in weightloss, but before I could even bunch my muscles up for the first leap, I discovered that my health insurance excludes ANY weight management treatment, whether they be surgical or not. I was devistated… for about 30 minutes.
Then it hit me. I don’t NEED the bariatric center. I KNOW what to do. All those years of sitting on my hiney researching diet and exercise wasn’t completely wasted! The only thing I really needed was accountablity. I will continue to see my doctor. I have an amazing support system in friends and family, and I have this blog. If this isn’t enough to keep me accountable, then I must not want it bad enough, right?
I can DO this!
So now its just a matter of prioritizing, and making sure I put my health before anything else! Of making sure I dont overschedule myself, and allow myself time to breathe. But I can do it.
HIde and watch! 😉